Travels & Tribulations

Over the past few years, I have had the benefit (or burden) of traveling a great deal both personally, and because of my employment. I've had some nice vacations, most recently I spent nearly two weeks with a great deal of very close and dear friends in St. Louis, Missouri.

When I travel for work, I don't always get fun locations. Compton, California is a very nice place to drive though. Quickly. I don't know that I especially like it there other than short visits. And never after dark. In a rental car. I'm pale fish belly white in my appearance, so I stand out readily like a fresh raspberry ground into brand new cream colored carpet.

One thing that always seems to happen to me at airports and on planes is that I get extremely annoyed at other people's behavior. Do people lose all of their common sense when they fly? Is there some unwritten rule somewhere that I never found on the ticket purchase agreement? Am I not reading the fine print clearly enough?

1) Rushing the gate

It never ceases to amaze me how many people line up right in front of the door to the plane as soon as they think they are going to squeeze their ass onto the fuselage. Even though most airlines have a methodical boarding procedure, people seem to think that rushing around, standing in the way of those people that actually need extra time to get onto the plane, and rushing the entrance will assure them that they get onto the plane before anyone else! This matters, of course, because we know that if you get on first, you will probably arrive at your destination before everyone else. Well, that is true, provided you sit in the front of the plane.

2) Homelessness

How many bags do you people need to bring on a plane? Give me a break?! It isn't the most fun thing to have to check baggage, and think about someone rifling though and touching (or who knows what else?!) your unmentionables. I have personally had my luggage lost. More than once. It happens. No one is perfect. But, do not punish me by deciding that you are going to attempt to carry on 2 bags, a roll-a-way, a laptop, a purse, briefcase, small camp stove, kayak, parachute, and blender. If you really need all that crap, please, plan ahead. SHIP the items in advance. You'll save yourself the worry of traveling with it, and you'll save the gate attendants from having to fight with you to separate you from your items, while also holding up the entire process. If you are that insecure about your belongings and planes, I'd suggest you drive instead.


3) Cluelessness

No matter how hard you throw, shove, push, cram, swear, or rant about that over-stuffed, bulging mammoth bag that you could barely fit down the aisle of the plane, it is NOT going to fit in the overhead bin. Nor is it going to fit underneath your seat. Why must you make the whole plane suffer through the ordeal of finding space for your bag? Check it! Don't take it out on the flight attendants when they tell you it will HAVE to be checked. Simple geometry and physics support that space is finite, and the area of your bag exceeds the area of space allotted. Again, if you are truly that insecure, drive.

4) Stupidity

Those beverage carts aren't weightless. Why do you have to wait until after they pull that cart out to decide you have to get your fat ass up out of your seat, and travel all the way to the back of the plane to use the restroom? I know, you should just stand in the aisle and wait for the cart to float over the top of you! That would work great! Damn, that gravity thing.

Honestly people, get a clue. Sit your ass down if the cart is in the aisle. You inconvenience the whole planeload of people, and delay the flight attendants from doing their jobs. Let them finish what they are doing, then run up and down the aisles as you need to. Don't expect the poor staff to have to perform cart acrobatics simply because you have a bladder control issue. Again, if you have problems, don’t fly.


5) Deaf or simply brain-dead?

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard flight attendants have to repeat themselves to idiot passengers. How hard is it to understand that you have to put your seat-back up for landing? How hard is it to put that tray table back in the “upright and locked” position? Now, maybe if you’ve never ever been on a plane before, if you’ve never seen any movies in your life, and you don’t speak or understand English or any form of dialectical hierarchy communication structure can you get away with this. Every single time there is at least one idiot that can’t seem to manage to put his seat back up, or his tray table. Is this really that hard a task to perform? If this is a trauma for you, I might suggest trains, they travel slower, probably safer for people of such intellect.